I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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