What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
