i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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