Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
home. puking in laundry basket.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
