Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
