you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
