are you still at the devil's house?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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