Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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