She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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