i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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