I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
