If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
