She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
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I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
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I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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