Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
