Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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