i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You are a genius and a whore.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
