How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The feeling are messing with the penis
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
