Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
