I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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