I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
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While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
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I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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