you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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