tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
