Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
