how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
