Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
