Ambien. No doubt about it.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
