Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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