Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
