woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
