i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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