Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
