are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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