the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
