return my video game
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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