She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
