You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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