ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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