I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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