Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
