who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
