YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
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He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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