Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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