Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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