it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize