I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
