this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
