Just fell off a train. Bad.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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