Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
