I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
