Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
