I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
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So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
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I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.