There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
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