just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
