I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.