i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan