there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
