you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
