Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
well you can't waste a boner
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
