I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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