she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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