I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
